Noviembre 20

"We can only know two things about people: What we wanna see and what they wanna show" which indicates that we can never,(or very rarely) "know" someone else (even for that very minute they are presenting or we are perceiving them. since we continuously change, we cant capture selves as we cant capture time) And we can only show certain parts of ourselves to certain people... never the whole. Only the parts we want to emphasize on...only the parts WE want to see as our selves. This is not a revelation of course, but a reminder to myself for  everyday that I hear someone tell me how friendly, melancholic, cheerful, independent, needy, fearless, unreasonable, emotional, heartless etc I am.  (nothing wrong with it. I psycho analyze constantly.)

The loner in my soul comes out very often these days. My dark side that wants to just block everyone out of my life as cold blooded as it might be. The feeling I get thinking that I never loved, cared for or valued someone else in my entire life. The humanly side that is yet considered unhumane.  I find a masochist satisfaction in being alone in this continent. Though often if not almost always, I think/feel/tell myself that not only I extremely value but also miss my friends, family and friends that became to be family; I am somehow more comfortable in a shell that i can bury my "self" under. Am I running away from a self-discovery, disappointment? -"Never underestimate the power of other people letting you down?" 

What does this "self' has to offer that i want to be alone with it so often to understand/ignore/accept?

~off to real things, things people wonder about,care about, are curious to find out... What did you do today?

I will leave my house with a void growing in my heart, a void i seem not to be able to content myself without. I am going to a workshop for the photography job I got... Not sure what it is. Then I will go to work at the bar... from 10:30 on... Meet people, make drinks, smile, try to blend in and make no mistakes. I will say no to people who want to hang out afterwards, because for some reason I love rushing to my "self" whose only plan is to be by herself for no reason. 

~came back a positive person... I love everyone and I am indeed cheerful at this moment... (but in a cool way=))

My photography workshop was great, met some cool people... I might have my first job this weekend. Casa was full, i didnt have a moment to just stand still. Around 90pesos of tip, 77 for me.  Now off to The Death of Virgil...Now he, is definitely a prosist!